I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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