Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
