Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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