I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
