i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
