Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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