Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
