apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
