dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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