I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
