Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
