I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
