you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
