at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
