p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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