Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
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