I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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