So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
