New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize