the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
