The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
