My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
