dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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