Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
