My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
