i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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