I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
