haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
