and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
