We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
