Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
