i need an iv and a liver transplant
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
