Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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