remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
