just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
