I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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