we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize