God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
