i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Holy sore nipples Batman
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
