I hope my margaritas pass through security.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
