Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
