Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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