the condom got lost in my hair
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
