I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
He kissed a someone with a penis
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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