I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize