I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
