he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
