I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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