so that wasnt chicken after all
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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