She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
