I skipped work to stalk him.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
