he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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