you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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