you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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