Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
