the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
