I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
You can't special order awesome
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Randomize
