i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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