I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
