shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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