took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
it glows. i had to have it.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
