Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
