I faked an abortion last night.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
