just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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