You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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