he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
