i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
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